I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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