i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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