alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
