my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
