I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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