break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You're like the curious george of whores
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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