shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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