I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
