Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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