Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
never play flip cup with pint glasses
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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