So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
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The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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