I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
whose parrot is this?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
