Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
