Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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