DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
