Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
