Taylor Swift is so right about you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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