Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize