woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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