No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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