She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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