On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
