My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
