Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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