What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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