So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
