my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
