You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
