i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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