I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
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Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
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The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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