you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
