i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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