Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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