My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
