He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
