yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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