His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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