I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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