i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
