I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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