My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
