Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
