I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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