I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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