Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.