the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.