Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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