your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
