Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
