Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
