We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
