Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
