do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
