if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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