I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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