Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
