We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
