and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
